


Been Going Through a Lot

by alison



Series: It's a You and Me House [2]
Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-07 13:35:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alison/pseuds/alison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry are eighteen when they leave for uni. They're nineteen when Louis stops bringing Nick around.</p><p>Except he doesn't. Not really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Been Going Through a Lot

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to Just to Find This Perfect Spot. I don't recommend reading this without reading that one first. Kay (ImNotOhKay) is my favorite and made this so much better. So many thanks to her.

  **(18)**

 

August

Louis and Nick have a quiet relationship. It's not built with words, it's the space outside of those words. It's Nick brushing the hair out of Louis' face when they're sweaty after Nick has just pulled out of him. It's Louis climbing into Nick's lap and placing small kisses along his jaw when Nick's had a bad day at work. It's the way they can't take their eyes off each other when they're together, like they could live off of looking at the other, like the sight is some sort of lifeline.

And this is why, when Louis is leaving for uni and saying goodbye, there are no promises or declarations. Everything's said between them, it's said every moment they're together, said in their eyes and under their skin. So there are no words spoken as Louis wraps his arms around Nick's neck, just the silent acknowledgment that they're good, here in this moment, but Louis' going to uni and things happen and there's always the possibility that it will die, this thing between them. There's also hope in Nick's touch, though, his skin whispering into Louis' that he doesn't want it to die as Louis kisses Nick lazily, drawing out the seconds until he has to go.

 

The first night away, Louis calls Nick and they spend an hour on the phone even though they run out of things to say halfway through. Louis just listens to Nick breathing on the other end and, when he falls asleep that night, the sound is still ringing in his ears.

 

September

“Shouldn't you be out doing uni type things? Getting pissed off cheap beer and things of that nature?”

Louis smiles into the phone, curled up under the covers in his bed. It's a Friday night and, yeah, he probably should be out, but it's been a stressful week and Louis just needs to hear Nick's voice for a while.

“I can do that anytime.”

“You can talk to me anytime, too.”

And it's sort of true and sort of untrue, too. Nick's not devoid of a social life and there have certainly been nights when all Louis wants is to lose himself in Nick's voice but Nick's busy with his friends or with work and those nights are the hardest. On those nights, Louis makes Harry cuddle with him while they watch a movie because he's so lonely, lonely even when he's in the middle of a crowd, and Harry's the only one who can make his loneliness dissipate. 

“I could be there in three hours,” Louis says softly and he knows what's coming, knows what Nick is going to say.

“Don't, Louis,” Nick sighs. “Don't even think about it, alright?”

Because they've agreed. They both know if Louis goes home it'll be that much harder for him to come back. If he goes home, he'll miss out on the uni experience because he won't be there, not really. He'll still be back home, even when he's in London.

“It's just hard, you know?” Louis says, his throat tight.

And it's only made harder by the fact that he's gotten a chance to be part of an independent study that's going to keep him in London through the half-term break, which means he won't be seeing Nick until Christmas break. Three sodding months away. 

And three doesn't sound like much. It's such a small number, but when you multiply it by 30 and then multiply it by 24... Well, Louis doesn't really want to do the maths, doesn't want to know how huge that number is.

“Lou,” Nick says sadly. “I just don't want you wasting this experience because you miss me, yeah? I'm not worth that.”

Louis understands it, he's been told before. Uni is important, more important than boyfriends or girlfriends, it's about more than just classes and getting a job. But in this moment, Louis feels like he could throw it all away and be happy about it if only he could count on a lifetime of Nick. But he can't, of course, he's not naïve. He knows that he can only count on now.

“I think you're worth more than you realize,” Louis mutters, curling his fingers into the comforter wrapped around him.

And it's a heavy statement, loaded with the things they don't really tell each other, but they're all there, hidden behind the spoken words.

October

Louis' staring at the screen of his phone again and he's not entirely sure he's heard a word anyone has said all night because he hasn't spoken to Nick in three days. He'd been busy with a big project the first two days, so the lack of distraction was actually good, but he's sent three texts over the past 24 hours and still hasn't gotten a response.

“Lou! Put yer phone away and get another beer, mate!”

Louis looks up to see a shirtless Niall shouting from the beer pong table and he gestures rudely back before sighing and going in search of a beer. He's not even close to drunk and really doesn't think this is the night for it. He'd rather just go back to his room and go to bed because he's not a clingy boyfriend but it's been three days.

He begs off after two more beers and drops into bed as soon as he enters his room. He checks his phone one more time, finding nothing, and falls asleep with it still clutched in his hand, wondering if maybe it's already dead, this thing.

When he wakes up the next morning, there's an obviously drunken 3:00 am text waiting on his phone and Louis smiles, realizing it's _not_ dead and actually wonders if maybe it won't ever die.  
  
_miss u fuuck misss u so much n 182 mi dont change anythin u knoow im still yours_

When Nick calls that afternoon, he says he forgot to check his phone all day and Louis doesn't think much about it, waiting for some acknowledgment of the drunken text. After a long silence, Nick speaks quietly.

“And sorry about that text last night. I was-”

“Drunk? I figured,” Louis interrupts, smiling softly.

“Yeah,” Nick says, dragging the word out. “We can forget it happened?”

And Louis doesn't know if it's a question or a suggestion, if Nick wants to forget it or if Nick thinks Louis wants to forget it, but none of it really matters because Louis' answer is a lie anyway.

“Sure, we can forget it.”

 

December

When Louis goes home for Christmas break, he and Nick make plans to meet in the treehouse when Nick's done with work. And it's funny because they exist outside of the treehouse now; they've fucked in Nick's bed and held hands in Nick's car and Nick has spent time with Louis' mum and Louis has been Nick's date for a work picnic, but they still come back to the treehouse. For a long time it was their world, the only place they existed together, and it's nice to revisit it. And after being away from each other for so many weeks, it only seems right to meet there.

So, Louis' sitting in the treehouse, bouncing his foot anxiously, watching the hands on his watch creep slowly around when he finally hears the ladder creak. He scrambles to his feet and stands there, frozen, waiting as Nick climbs into view.

And then Nick's standing there, too, just staring and Louis had convinced himself that he was remembering him wrong because no one could be that beautiful, but he's here and he is. His cheeks are slightly pink from the chill in the air and his hair is soft and drooping across his forehead, and Louis wonders if Nick's still his or if he ever really was because he's sure he doesn't deserve it.

“Hi,” Nick says as if he's just noticed Louis is there.

“Hi.”

And then, as if they both shake themselves from some sort of haze at the same time, they're crossing the small space and they're kissing. Louis' hands are in Nick's hair and Nick is wrapped around him tightly and he thinks oxygen might be overrated because he's never fucking letting go.

And then they're on the floor, collapsing together, and they still don't have words but they say it all in the kiss. Nick's hands slide down Louis' sides and he's missed this, missed Nick's skin and his lips, missed it so much that it's overwhelming in this moment; like he just wanted a little breeze and he got a fucking hurricane and he can't breathe because it's everywhere.

Louis pauses the movement of his lips and pulls Nick back and he needs to see him more, needs to just look at him for a while. His lips are pink now, too, matching his cheeks and Louis' never seen anything quite like it. He searches his face for a minute, just tracing his features with his gaze until Nick lowers his lips softly onto Louis', resting them lightly there as they share the same breath.

“How was the drive back?” Nick asks softly, pulling his lips down across Louis' skin to his neck, attaching there, and Louis can feel his tongue and it's overwhelming again, but it's so good.

“Not bad,” Louis answers with a bit of difficulty because Nick's tongue is snaking down his skin.

“Good,” Nick mumbles before dragging his teeth at the crook of Louis' neck, making him shiver. And when he speaks again, his voice is rough and a bit strained, like he's holding back. “I don't mean to rush or anything, but do you think I could be inside you right now?”

Louis would tease him if his hips weren't already pushing up into Nick's, desperate for it himself.

“Yeah,” he whispers, pushing his hands up under Nick's shirt, feeling the way his back muscles flex. “Yeah, please.”

And then Nick pushes himself up so they're looking again, just looking, and Nick nudges his nose against Louis'.

“Can I stay inside you all night?”

And Louis agrees because, fuck, he needs it just as much as Nick does, wants to feel him for hours, wants it to burn because it's too much.

So they fuck once and it's quick because they're both needy and desperate, but when Nick pulls out, he fills Louis with his fingers, scraping teeth down Louis' back to make sure he can feel him all over. And he keeps his fingers moving slowly inside him as they lay together, remembering to breathe, until his cock fills out and he can fuck him again. And this time it's long and sweaty and it's not about the finish line, not about the orgasm.

 

When Louis wakes up the next morning, still in the treehouse, he feels like he's been hit by a truck, but he smiles because Nick is breathing heavily next to him. For a hazy moment he thinks maybe Nick's fingers are still inside of him because he can still feel them, but it's just the ghost of the touch.

Louis checks the time and realizes that Nick has to go to work soon, so he turns on his side, tracing his hands down his chest, pretending he's trying to wake him up, but keeping the touch light enough that it's unlikely to be successful.

When Nick does stir, Louis can't be too upset because sleepy Nick is so soft around the edges, so warm and when his eyes open, Louis can't help but smile so hard he laughs a little bit.

“Wha's funny?” Nick mumbles, curling into Louis' side.

“Your morning face.”

And Louis kisses him on his forehead because neither of them is a fan of kissing before they've brushed their teeth.

“Shut up,” Nick grumbles, hiding his face in Louis' shoulder.

They lay in silence for a minute before Nick sighs loudly and pushes away from Louis to stretch his arms out.

“Have to go home and shower before work.”

And Louis wants to protest, wants to beg him to stay, but he knows how much his job means to him. It started with the internship three years ago, after he'd convinced his parents to let him try it for a year, promising that, if it didn't work out, then he'd go to uni. But it did work out and Nick found his place at the local radio station, working his way up from paperwork and coffee runs to actually producing.

His goal is to DJ, to actually be on the air, and Louis thinks his bosses must be deaf because anyone who's heard Nick's voice knows he belongs on the air. Louis likes to point out that they've probably taken a look through his ipod and worry about the shit he'll play if they give him a chance because that's the only reasonable excuse that they've held off on giving him the gig.

“I promised to have dinner with my mum and sisters tonight.”

Nick sits up, pulling his shirt over his head and shimmying into his pants.

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah, tomorrow.”

Nick pushes himself up to his feet and gets his jeans on before he pulls Louis up, hugging his naked body against his own. Louis rests his cheek against Nick's chest, listening to his heartbeat.

“Missed you, you know,” Nick says into Louis' hair.

“I know,” Louis replies, twisting his hands into Nick's shirt.

Then Nick smacks Louis' bare bum and steps back, winking softly before he leaves and Louis watches him go, wondering if uni is really all that important.

 

**(19)**

 

January

Louis drives to Nick's flat with Harry already asleep in the passenger seat after he's packed up his suitcases and kissed his mum and sisters goodbye. It's just another few months until summer and then he'll be back again, he reminds himself.

When he pulls into the carpark and kills the ignition, Harry stirs next to him.

“We there already?” he asks blearily.

“At Nick's. I'll be back in a few.”

Harry nods in understanding and his eyes are closed again as Louis climbs out of the car and walks to Nick's door.

He knocks and Nick's there, wearing joggers and a loose t-shirt and his hair is a little damp. Louis feels a pang of anger because Nick really could have made more of an effort to look like shit, could have made leaving a little easier for Louis.

“Hey,” he says warmly, closing the door behind Louis.

“I can't stay long,” Louis says shortly and maybe he's being a little detached, trying to make it easier.

“I know,” Nick says, wincing a little and that's enough to make Louis let it fall away, the little half-wall he'd put up. It was made of sellotape and cardboard anyway; it really didn't stand a chance of staying up.

He slips his arms around the older boy and as soon as he does, he's not sure he'll ever let go. They stand in the embrace for a while and the time is ticking by and Louis wonders if he's wasting these last few moments, but then realizes this is all he really needs anyway.

“I have to go,” Louis mumbles into Nick's neck without making any move to do so.

“You do.”

Nick's fingers smooth over the back of Louis' shirt and he can feel his fingernails through the material against his skin and he hates that it's something he won't feel again soon.

“Drive safely, okay?”

Louis nods into Nick's shoulder before Nick shrugs his head up to look at him. And they look, just look, for a minute before Nick speaks.

“Maybe I could come visit you in a few weeks. You could give me a little tour or something.”

Louis smiles and he's not sure if Nick will actually follow up on it, but the offer is there and he pushes himself up on his toes to kiss him, nodding.

“Yes, please come,” he says, then presses his lips into Nick's more firmly.

“Do you think we have time?” Nick says, his lips forming a smile against Louis' and Louis pulls away, rolling his eyes.

“You arse, we were having a moment.”

“Thought we could have another kind of moment is all.”

Nick smirks and Louis kicks his foot, turning toward the door.

“That's it. That's all the goodbye you'll be getting.”

But he only takes two steps before Nick's hand is on his arm, pulling him back and kissing him again and it's the kind of kiss that makes Louis' skin tingle because he can feel that Nick means it. And when it ends, he whispers in Louis' ear.

“Check your phone once you're on your way, okay?” He pulls back to look into Louis' eyes and his own eyes are soft but intense at the same time and Louis can only nod. “But don't text while driving,” he adds authoritatively.

“Yeah, okay.”

And then Nick opens the door and pushes him out only to pull him back in for one more kiss.

“Bye,” he says when he finally lets go altogether.

And then there's no skin touching Louis', no lips pressed against his, and he gives a small wave and walks away, ignoring the fact that his hands are trembling a little bit.

He keeps his phone between his thighs as he drives and, 15 minutes later, it vibrates with a text. He quickly pulls over to the side of the road and opens it.

_love you xx_

And Louis' glad he pulled over because he can't tear his eyes away from the letters on the screen for several minutes, just staring as his heart hammers in his chest. Finally, though, he replies.

_i know, love xx_

Because he does know it. He knows it every time they touch, every time Nick looks at him. And he wonders if Nick knows it, too, if it's all spelled out in his eyes like it is in Nick's. He hesitates, thumbs still hovering over the screen of his phone, and takes a deep breath before typing out another message.

_me too xx_

 

March

When Nick visits Louis, it's strange having him in his tiny dorm room and introducing him to his new friends, but it's a good strange, he thinks. The first night Nick's there, they have a few of their mates to their room and they drink cheap beer and Louis drops his hand to rest on Nick's leg because it's been three months and he can't not touch him, not even for a little bit.

Niall's talking about the last girl he hooked up with and Zayn's saying he doesn't believe him because the story involves whipped cream and Zayn's pretty sure Niall just saw a porno like that and it didn't actually happen. But Niall is adamant that it did happen, offering to let Zayn call the girl and ask her himself.

The conversation drifts to their numbers, the number of people they've slept with, and after proudly boasting his number of six, Niall challenges everyone else to fess up.

Zayn says four.

Harry says two.

Liam says seven with a modest shrug, which everyone applauds because shy, quiet Liam sure has gotten around. (“Girls like the quiet ones,” he explains, blushing.)

When it comes around to Louis, he rolls his eyes and holds up one finger and everyone says “aww”, teasing him as he pokes his tongue out and leans his head against Nick's shoulder.

“How about you, Nick? You're older so you have a bit of an advantage.”

And it's clear that everyone's expecting something impressive, but Nick looks nervous as he clears his throat.

“Uh, two.”

And Louis scrunches his eyebrows because he's never really thought about it, about Nick being with someone else, and he wonders who it was and when it happened.

 

When the guys clear out, Harry leaves, too, having decided to stay in Liam's room for the duration of Nick's visit for obvious reasons. Louis smiles and waves goodbye to everyone and when he and Nick are alone, they climb up onto Louis' bed and they kiss for a moment before Louis speaks, curiosity raging inside of him.

“So, who was the second?”

Nick knows what he means, swallows, and he seems uncomfortable which, Louis thinks, he really doesn't need to be. But then Louis realizes that maybe the second was last night or last week and his heart starts racing because they never promised each other anything and he wouldn't blame Nick, but he doesn't deny that it would hurt. But then Nick speaks and it's not at all what he's expecting.

“The first, actually.”

Louis doesn't know why he assumed Nick was a virgin when they had sex that first time, but he did and this is like a slap across the face.

“What?” And it's all he can say, all he can think.

“Fuck, I really didn't want to tell you about this.”

And that's like a harder slap because he's been purposely keeping it from Louis and it's all so bizarre that he can't wrap his head around it.

“I mean, you don't have to,” Louis says because he doesn't. He doesn't have to tell him about it because it's his life and his dick and he doesn't have to tell Louis everything.

“No, not like that. It's just...” Nick stops, like he's battling with himself before he shifts, crossing his legs and facing Louis. “Okay, let me just say it, the whole thing.”

Louis shifts, too, crossing his legs as well, their knees touching, and he waits for whatever Nick is going to give him.

“I was 16 and... fuck,” he sighs, shaking his head. “Remember when we kissed the first time?”

Louis nods, a little worried.

“Yeah?”

“It was two days later, the day after Christmas.”

“Oh.” And he doesn't have much else to say because it's not like Nick did anything wrong. He really didn't, but Louis had spent a week after that kiss smiling giddily because it was a huge moment for him. And he knew Nick was older and it wasn't as big of a deal to him, but thinking of Nick going and fucking someone else so soon afterward makes his stomach coil up a bit.

“Yeah,” Nick says and he looks guilty. Louis wants to tell him that he doesn't need to be, but he's processing a lot of information and soon Nick is giving him more. “The guy was older. 20, I think. Anyway, we fucked- or he fucked me, rather- and it was shit. Terrible.”

Louis' connecting dots in his head, but Nick keeps talking, helping him along.

“The point is, it's the reason I was so messed up over our first time.”

“Messed up?” Louis asks because he was gone for a month and didn't see Nick. But when Harry talked about that time, it didn't seem like Nick was 'messed up'.

“I fucking hated myself after that, Louis. I still sort of do when I think about it because I had personal fucking experience that told me it wasn't a good idea, but I was a selfish little prick and I went ahead with it anyway. I knew and I took it from you anyway and I had no right doing that.”

Louis thinks maybe he isn't breathing anymore because this is actually the first time they've spoken about that night and he had no idea- _no idea-_ that Nick felt this way. He can feel a lump rising in his throat, but he pushes it back down as Nick continues on, his eyes scrunched up like he's in pain.

“And that's why I was so scared to let it happen again. Remember when you said you were ready to try again and I made you wait? _Weeks_ I made you wait before I'd even put my fingers in you because I wanted you to feel good so much but I didn't trust myself to be able to do it. I was fucking terrified I'd hurt you again and I couldn't - _wouldn't_ \- do that. Not again. Not ever.”

Louis takes a long moment to breathe and gathers up what bits of thought he can to form some sort of response.

“I never knew... Harry said you asked about me, but I had no idea-”

“I didn't let Harry see it because the kid is surprisingly perceptive and I didn't want him asking questions. But I need you to know that I'm so sorry for doing that to you, Louis. I'm so sorry, god, I'm so fucking sorry and I wanted to tell you that a long time ago, that I'm sorry, but you wanted to pretend it didn't happen so I did.”

Nick reaches out to put his hand on Louis' neck and Louis can feel the pain in the touch, like he's just now noticing that Nick has been carrying it around with him and Louis doesn't know what to feel, but mostly he feels bad because he never saw it there before.

“Nick,” Louis says softly, crawling up onto Nick's lap.

He kisses his lips lightly, then kisses his cheek, then his jaw.

“It was so good, though, when it happened again, remember? So good.” He kisses Nick again just to make sure he really felt it. “You did that. You made me feel good.”

Then Louis rests his forehead against Nick's, rubbing his fingers against the back of his neck. Nick's breathing is uneven and Louis knows he's upset and it's a side of Nick he's never quite seen. Glimpses of it, maybe, but not like this.

“I'm sorry that I didn't realize you felt like that,” he says quietly, fingers pushing up into his hair. “I never did, you know. Never blamed you for anything.”

Nick pulls Louis against him and Louis drops his head to his shoulder, squeezing back.

“Can I say it one more time?”

“Say what?”

Nick kisses Louis' neck, murmuring into his skin.

“That I'm sorry for hurting you.”

“You can say it but you really don't need to.”

Nick pulls back and they're looking again, just looking, and Nick leans in to place the lightest kiss Louis has ever felt against his lips and it's so quiet in the room, the kind of quiet that makes Louis wonder if they're actually the only people in the world at the moment.

“I'm sorry,” Nick says, looking into Louis' eyes and it's all there in those words, Louis feels it.

And he nods and kisses him again because no other response is needed. Everything's out.

 

June

“I think I liked it better when you guys were being all secretive,” Harry says, glaring.

Louis pulls away from Nick's lips to look back at Harry and he frowns because, yeah, it's not really fair to have a snogging session right in front of him, but maybe if Harry had ever kissed Nick he'd understand.

It's summer break and the three are back in the treehouse. They're there most days, honestly, and it reminds Louis a lot of the summers during secondary school, hiding away up there, letting the leaves around them brush away the hot sun and listening to Nick's shitty music from a stereo in the corner.

“Yeah, alright,” Louis sighs, turning around in Nick's lap to sit down, leaning back against his chest. “You win.”

“What should we discuss, Mr. Styles? Art? Literature? Politics?” Nick asks, smirking, and his hands dip under Louis' shirt, resting against his sides, skin on skin, and Louis happily leans his head back against Nick's shoulder.

As the two boys talk about some art house film they both saw, Nick's fingers make tiny movements against his hips and Louis wonders when things like that will stop making his skin tingle. And when Harry starts digging through his bag, looking for some pamphlet he tore off a building the day before, Nick's lips rest against Louis' neck and Louis squirms, smiling widely.

Nick's arms wrap around his chest, pulling him tightly into him and Louis feels pretty amazing having this person he trusts more than anyone wrapped around him, keeping him safe. It's wonderful, really, this feeling and Louis wishes he could keep it forever.

 

If only forever actually existed.

 

October

When it dies, it dies slowly like the seasons changing. The air chills and the leaves slowly change colours and the flowers disappear one at a time. Then one day you wake up and all of a sudden it's snowing and you don't even remember the last of the leaves falling from the branches. They're just gone.

Louis gets busy with school and Nick finally gets his promotion, gets on air, but it's not a big, fancy station so he basically has to do the work of two people now.

It starts with one missed call. Then another. Then it's a week and neither has time to call.

And it's not just that. They're both aware that they're two young, attractive guys and being away from your source of sex and affection for weeks and months at a time isn't exactly easy. Louis goes out and cute guys hit on him and, as he's turning them away, he wonders what Nick does in these situations. He's never asked because he doesn't really want to know, but it nags in his mind as he watches the guys walk away. Does Nick ever accept the offer? Is his number still two?

So when Nick texts him one evening, it's both a little bit expected and like having ice cold water splashed on him.

_i want you to see other people. maybe you already are but if youre not, i want you to ok?_

And he makes it sound like a simple request, like grabbing a Coke from the refrigerator or turning the stereo down. But it's not simple. It's fucking monumental.

He stares at the screen for a couple of minutes before he hears the lock turn in the door of their flat and just the noise makes tears well up behind his eyes and then Harry's there and Louis' shaking all over, trying to hold it in.

"What's wrong?" Harry asks immediately, his eyes huge and full of fear and he wastes no time in crossing the room.

Louis shoves the phone at him, displaying the message and as soon as Harry reads it, his arms are wrapped around him. The phone drops from Louis' hand and he's crying now, fat tears rolling from his eyes onto Harry's shoulder and in a way he knew it was coming but it's all hitting him like a freight train now and he's absolutely terrified.

"Lou," Harry says softly, rubbing his hand down Louis' back. "Just breathe, alright? He probably had a crap day at work and he's taking it out on you or something."

Louis shakes his head because it's all he can do but he knows this is not the result of a bad day. This was thought-out and it was inevitable and it crushes Louis' lungs like a fucking wrecking ball.

  


December

When Louis climbs up into the treehouse the evening he gets home for Christmas break, somehow he knows Nick is there before he even sees him or hears him. And when he gets inside, Nick is leaning against the wall and he looks different, a bit, but the same, too.

And they do this every time, where they just look for a minute, just reacquaint themselves with the other's appearance, but it's always followed by a kiss and then sex and this time Louis doesn't know what's waiting on the other end of the looking. So he looks for a minute, then drops his gaze to the floor, scuffing his shoe against the wood below his feet.

“How were exams?” Nick asks like he doesn't know if it's the right question to ask but he needed to ask something.

“Good,” Louis replies quietly.

Over the past couple of months, he's been trying to figure it out and he still hasn't quite decided. He hasn't decided whether to be angry with Nick or not because it's complicated. There's a tiny little piece of him that's angry, but mostly he's just sad - really sad - and then there's the tiny bit that's relieved. Because no one stays with their first forever; their first kiss, their first time, their first love. No one stays with that person forever, that's not how it works. So even though it hurts, maybe it's better this way, Louis thinks. Get it over with.

But it's not over when Nick is standing in front of him and there's only a three metre stretch of nothing between them and Louis could touch him if he just took those few steps.

“How have you been?” Nick asks.

“Alright.”

And he has, he guesses, he's been doing alright. After those first few days, he smiled sometimes and even laughed and went out with friends. And sure, it's still sitting with him, still making everything feel a little bit more lonely, but he's doing alright. At least he was alright until a few minutes ago when he was reminded why it hurt so much in the first place.

Louis looks up when Nick pushes away from the wall and starts walking toward him and he wonders if Nick can see everything he's thinking and feeling because he has to. It has to be visible from space, honestly, but Louis can't really see it on Nick and that scares him. He wonders if it's there at all.

And when Nick is standing directly in front of him, Louis' hand twitches because he's trying to hold back, trying not to touch and it feels impossible. Nick looks down at him and now Louis can see it, deep in the wrinkles by his eyes, the need and the frustration, and Louis' so grateful it's there. And Nick hesitates for a long moment, then pushes his fingers through his hair, sighing.

“Can I just fucking hug you?”

And there's so much frustration in his voice that Louis' lips twitch up and the awkwardness all but disappears as he nods and Nick's arms wrap around his waist and Nick's face buries into his shoulder. And it's just like so many hugs they've had before, like they're still the same puzzle pieces clicking together, and Nick still smells like Nick and his breath sounds the same as it always has and Louis should be terrified that it's so comfortable, but he's not.

When Nick loosens his grip and pulls away, Louis wants to pull him back in and not let him go, but Nick hesitates himself, looking down into Louis' eyes and then they're kissing and no one really initiates it because no one has to. It was there the whole time, this kiss, hanging in the air.

Nick's lips taste the same and his tongue feels the same and his touch is the same against Louis' skin. It's like everything has changed, but nothing really has. Not this, here in this moment.

They collapse to the floor like they always do and Louis' hands push up under Nick's shirt like they always do and Louis doesn't even care that they're no longer together because they _are_ together in this moment and it's enough for him.

They settle for messy and enthusiastic blowjobs because neither of them brought a condom because they weren't expecting to need a condom. Louis' skin is on fire as he comes on Nick's lips and he burns the image into his memory because Nick looks fucking beautiful with cum-stained lips and he really doesn't want to forget it.

When they're finished, Louis wonders if this part will have changed, the after part. He wonders if Nick will throw on his clothes and say an awkward goodbye, but he doesn't. It hasn't changed. They touch and kiss lazily as the sun goes down around them and Louis thinks maybe he doesn't need the relationship part if he can just keep this.

 

**(20)**

 

January

On Louis' last night in town before he and Harry go back to London at the end of break, Louis meets Nick one last time and they have sex that they drag out for hours, not wanting it to end because it's been two weeks full of skin and lips and when it's over, it's actually over. Maybe forever.

When Nick finally pulls out after being tucked inside Louis for two hours, he rolls onto his back and sighs and it's a tired sigh, but it's also a sad sigh. He lights a cigarette and takes a drag before Louis sits up next to him and plucks it out of his hand, taking a drag himself as he leans back against the wall.

“Oh, you smoke now?” Nick asks, eyebrows raised, shifting to lean back next to him.

Louis slowly lets the smoke glide down his throat, then blows it back out, shrugging.

“Just once or twice. Seems appropriate in the moment.”

Nick smiles hesitantly, pulling the cigarette out of Louis' hand.

“I seem to remember you saying it smells awful.”

“Yeah, I've changed _a bit_ since I was 12 or whatever I was when I said that,” Louis says teasingly.

Nick pulls the cigarette up to his lips and takes in another lungful of smoke, his hand falling to Louis' knee next to him, curling his fingers against the skin.

“A bit, I suppose,” Nick says quietly, nodding his head.

And Louis suddenly feels a little sad because the sex is amazing, but this part is, too, the part where they talk and Nick makes him smile more easily than anyone else, with the possible exception of Harry. But they talk and they laugh and that's the part Louis can't stand not having.

“You were crazy about me even then, weren't you?” Louis jokes, smiling softly.

When Nick doesn't tease back, when silence falls over them, Louis looks over to see Nick looking down at his legs, chewing on his lip.

“Nick?” Louis asks, eyebrows furrowed because it was just a joke and Nick looks sad now, too, and he doesn't want that.

“This probably isn't something we should be talking about tonight,” he says and it hits Louis that he actually was. Nick was crazy about him. Even then.

They're quiet for a minute and Louis drops his hand on top of Nick's on his knee and Louis tries to think back that far, but his memories of his preteen years aren't exactly perfectly sharp.

“Since when then?” Louis asks quietly.

Nick leans his head back against the wall and stares up at the ceiling as he speaks.

“Do you remember when I came by with Harry the first time and you were all angry and bratty about it?”

“Yeah,” Louis replies, not even bothering to counter the bratty comment because he really was bratty about it.

“Do you remember the second time I came?”

Louis tries to think of the second time and he remembers it, but not exactly clearly. He just remembers fuming in the corner, really.

“Sort of.”

“The first time I came for Harry because he was a nice kid and he was so excited about his sodding treehouse and I didn't want to disappoint him, but I was 14 and it was sort of silly, you know?”

Louis nods because he'd always wondered why Nick hung out with them then, when he was a teenager and they were just 11 year old kids. Nick's hand turns over on Louis' knee so his palm is against Louis' palm, fingers resting against fingers.

“After that first day, I came for you.”

And maybe Nick was right when he said they shouldn't be talking about this tonight because it's too late – too late in the night and too late in general - to process this information.

When Nick leaves, Louis kisses him one last time and it aches, this kiss, but he'd rather ache than feel nothing at all.

 

February

“Just go out with the guy once,” Harry pleads.

Louis glares because he has no interest in the guy in question, but he's a friend of Harry's and Harry is determined to get Louis back on the dating scene.

“He's cute and he likes you. Why is this even a question?”

He's cute, sure, in the way that boys on the Disney channel are cute. He has perfect shiny blonde hair and blue eyes and he's so obviously not Louis' type but Harry doesn't really care about that right now. Harry cares about getting Louis out of their flat once in a while.

“If I go out with him and leave after 30 minutes because his hair is hurting my eyes, are you going to be angry?”

“No, I swear. Just give him a shot,” Harry says, hands folded, begging.

“Fine,” Louis says with a dramatic sigh. Then, under his breath, he adds: “Wanker.”

Harry grins brightly, all too pleased with himself and his powers of coercion and Louis picks a piece of sausage off his pizza and throws it at him.

 

The date lasts exactly 39 minutes. The guy is stupid and makes this weird clicking sound with his teeth when he's anxious and Louis spends the whole time watching the clock. Once he passes the 30 minute mark, he makes a game out of it. How long can he put up with the boring conversation and the clicking sound before he makes a run for it. Apparently his resolve isn't that high.

When he gets home, he thumps Harry hard in the ribs and spreads out across the couch, sipping from the half-full beer on the coffee table.

“Not good then?”

And Louis just glares before his eyes go to the TV screen where Leonardo DiCaprio is currently offing himself over is true love. He rolls his eyes and sets the beer down, walking out of the room.

“I'm going to bed,” Louis waves and shuts his bedroom door behind him.

 

March

It's half term break and Louis is riding Nick, his cock pushing up into him, hands gripping Louis' hips. He looks down at Nick, at the way he bites back his moans, at the way his eyes don't stop moving over Louis' body, and he smiles a little bit.

“Feel good?” Louis asks, grinding slowly against him.

“What the fuck has gotten into you?” Nick chokes out as his eyes roll back behind his eyelids.

And he's asking because it's the second time they've had sex in the 18 hours since Louis has been home for break and the first time, the night before, it was quiet and needy and filled with touches that reached far deeper than just skin against skin. And when Louis texted him an hour ago telling him to come to the treehouse, Nick probably wasn't expecting this but Louis can't get enough, needs to take as much as Nick is willing to give before he's gone again.

“Missed you,” Louis says quietly, leaning down to cover Nick's lips with his own.

When Louis sits back again, Nick's eyes are darker and he runs his hands down Louis' chest, fingertips pressing hard enough to leave trails of white in the pink skin. Then he gently takes Louis' cock into his hand and pumps slowly, lifting his hips to get deeper inside and when Louis comes across Nick's chest, he climbs off, peels the condom away, and sucks Nick until he's coming, too. And he swallows every last drop because he needs it, needs to take as much as Nick is willing to give.

Before he's gone again.

 

May

“It's not healthy, Louis,” Harry says loudly over the music filling the air around them.

And Louis' had a few drinks so he just shrugs, eyes roaming over the dance floor.

“Look at that guy over there,” Harry shouts as he puts his hand against Louis' cheek, guiding his vision to the person he's referring to. “He's been checking you out. Give him a go.”

First Louis rolls his eyes, but then he gives the guy another look. And he's just drunk enough to stand up and go over to him.

“Hello,” Louis sings at him, smiling.

“Hey,” the guys says, his eyes lighting up. “Can I buy you a drink?”

Louis thinks about it, bobbing his head back and forth.

“Or you could give me a ride home.”

He lifts his eyebrows to make it apparent that he's not just suggesting a taxi service type of arrangement and the guy practically falls over himself, leading Louis out of the club.

When Louis kisses him back at their flat, the guy tastes like liquorice and Louis hates liquorice, but he pushes that out of his mind as he throws his clothes off and pushes the guy back onto the bed. And when he pushes inside Louis, Louis has to close his eyes because it's different. The touches are different and there are no looks that burn into his skin.

It's the first time Louis has had sex with someone other than Nick and he wonders if this guy is just bad in bed or if the problem isn't him at all, if the problem is simply that it's not Nick. He thinks it's probably a bit of both.

 

When Louis goes home for summer break, he wonders if Nick can tell that he's been with someone else since the last time, wonders if it's written across his skin. If he can, he doesn't mention it. They look, just look, and they kiss and Nick doesn't taste like liquorice and his touch reaches deeper than just skin on skin.

And as Nick gently pushes his fingers inside Louis, Louis realizes that it's really not written across his skin because there's only room on his skin for the marks Nick leaves. They're the only ones that stay.

 

**(21)**

 

January

Harry has invited his friend, Chris, over to their flat and they're all watching some cheesy horror movie and drinking beer and it's actually fun, laughing at the awful acting and pointing out the flaws in the storyline. But when Harry suddenly says he's forgotten he was supposed to meet up with Liam to study a half hour ago, Louis' laugh disappears because he immediately knows this was some sort of set up.

Harry had told him a while ago that he thought Chris and Louis would make a good couple and, sure, he was a nice guy and quite fit, but Louis couldn't see it. Harry dropped it but would still make little comments here and there about how they had things in common. Louis thought he had given up on actually trying to set them up, but Harry's smirk as he walks out the door says everything.

“So,” Chris says once Harry's gone. “I can leave if you want?”

But Louis' not a complete arsehole, so he shakes his head.

“No, stay. We have a movie to finish and you've just started that beer. So stay.”

And he smiles warmly because Chris is a nice guy and the least he can do is hang out with him for an evening.

When the movie's over, they talk. They talk quite a bit, actually, and Louis learns that Chris is actually from a town not far from where Louis and Harry grew up and he's a marketing major and he likes football and his ipod is filled with a lot of the same stuff as Louis'.

And when they end up snogging on the couch, it's sort of nice because it's easy and it's fun and Louis doesn't have to think much of it.

 

When Louis starts officially dating Chris two weeks later, he tells Harry all about it and Harry's smiling and Louis' glad. He's told Harry everything about Nick since the breakup, how they still have sex when Louis' home, how it's over but it's not over. He's told Harry because he made a promise that he broke once and he won't break it again.

But as much as Harry loved Louis and Nick together and as much as he ripped into Nick after the breakup, he wants to see Louis in a real relationship. He tells Louis that the thing with Nick probably isn't a good idea and says Louis needs to move on, which is why he seems to be on a permanent quest to find him a boyfriend.

So when Louis and Chris make it official, Harry smiles because it's the first relationship Louis' had since Nick and he thinks it's good, thinks it's healthy. And Louis really likes Chris and Chris obviously adores Louis.

And, no, he's not Nick. He's different and maybe he doesn't make Louis laugh quite as easily and maybe he doesn't make Louis' skin tingle, but Louis' starting to think maybe it's unfair to compare anyone to Nick. Maybe Nick is incomparable.

 

May

When Louis comes home after the school year has ended, he's been with Chris for about four months and it's all perfectly lovely, but Louis still goes to the treehouse, still needs to see Nick. And when Nick enters, Louis only pauses for a moment before throwing himself into him, kissing him like he always does.

And he's well aware that he should feel like he's cheating, but he really doesn't because Nick is something different, completely separate from his relationship with Chris. As his tongue meets Nick's, it's more like coming home than anything else.

When they pull out of the kiss, Nick holds him close and Louis breathes him in and they look, just look, for a moment before Nick speaks.

“I hear you have a boyfriend.”

And then it's like the air squeezes in on them because Nick isn't supposed to know about that. They're not supposed to let outside things into this.

“Harry said he hadn't told you,” Louis says, and before he can imagine all of the ways he's going to hurt Harry, Nick corrects him.

“He didn't. Remember Ellie? The girl I work with? You met her once.”

“Yeah,” Louis says, unsure.

“Chris is her little brother.”

And it's a one in a million chance that this could have happened, Louis thinks, that Nick would find out about it this way. Sure, Chris is from the area, but _fuck_ , really?

“I'm sor-”

“Don't, Lou,” Nick says and it's said kindly, with a brush of fingertips against Louis' cheek. “This was the whole point of seeing other people.”

And Louis doesn't know what to say to that, so he closes his eyes and pulls Nick's head down, just praying that Nick will still kiss him because he needs it, needs it even more now.

“Are you sure?” Nick whispers, his breath against Louis' lips.

Louis nods and pulls Nick in the last few centimetres, touching their lips together, and Louis sighs happily into the kiss.

 

And when they fuck, it's the same as it always is except maybe Nick holds him a little closer, sitting up against the wall so Louis' chest can rest against his as he moves up and down on Nick's cock. And maybe Louis' kisses are a little softer and maybe their looks last a little longer.

Or maybe not. Maybe it was always like this, but Louis' just noticing it more now.

When Louis comes between their bodies, Nick grips his hips firmly and trails his lips along Louis' shoulder and comes himself, buried deep inside him.

And maybe they sit there a little longer before Nick pulls out and maybe when he does, Louis doesn't actually move from Nick's lap because it's never really enough with Nick and Louis always needs a little bit more.

But then Nick speaks softly into Louis' ear when they've caught their breath and his words cut through the air, slicing into Louis' skin.

“I think- this was the last time, okay?”

And Louis just agrees because there's nothing else to do. Nothing else to say.

He hurries into his clothing and Nick watches silently and Louis doesn't look back as he leaves because he doesn't want Nick to see the tears in his eyes.

When he gets into his bedroom, he lets them fall quietly down his cheeks and he's bitter, really, because if that was the last time, he would have liked to have known. He would have made it last longer, would have touched more and kissed more. He would have memorized it all so he could keep it like a souvenir.

But the bitterness slowly fades, leaving an aching hole deep in Louis' chest because he knows, this time, that Nick meant it. He knows it's actually dead.

 

June

Louis always likes to think the thing with Nick is completely separate from the rest of his life, that it doesn't affect any other part of it. But it does, really, it always has and it definitely does now because within two weeks Louis is breaking up with Chris, unable to even try anymore. It's honestly just not worth it.

He goes back to London for the rest of summer break to escape the treehouse and Nick and Harry's sympathetic looks and it's not really fair to his family, but he just wants to be alone. So he goes back to he and Harry's flat and spends his days walking around the city and spends his evenings either on the couch watching shitty rom-coms or out at the pub, snogging random boys he's never met before and never will meet again.

 

November

“Hey, let me see your notes from British lit,” Louis says, shuffling through his notebooks with a slice of pizza between his teeth.

He tears off a bite and chews as Harry hands over his own notebook so Louis can compare to see if he missed anything important.

“Just write in anything I missed, too, okay? I was really hungry so I spent ten minutes drawing a sandwich instead of listening to the bit about the importance of first person as opposed to third.”

Louis agrees, smiling as he sees the pitiful drawing and starts skimming the two notebooks. As he flips a page, Harry's phone goes off loudly.

“Jesus, turn your volume down,” Louis grumbles.

“Hello?” Harry asks as Louis tosses bits of crust at Harry's head. “Fuck, stop, Louis,” he adds in Louis' direction and Louis grins, feeling accomplished.

“Oh, hey,” Harry says into the phone, standing. “Yeah, mate, good, how're you?”

He walks toward his bedroom and Louis doesn't miss the look he gives him and it's fine. He knows he and Nick are still friends, knows they still talk and it's fine.

Louis tries to refocus on the notes in front of him, but when Harry emerges 10 minutes later, he hasn't read a word. Harry plops down on the couch and bites his lip, looking anxious. Louis ignores it and pretends to read.

“What?” Louis finally asks after Harry's been staring at him for a full minute.

“Can I tell you things about him?”

“Unless you're going to tell me all about his adorable new boyfriend, then yes. You can tell me things.”

Harry smiles a bit, his head tilted to the side.

“Yeah, well, he told me he doesn't do boyfriends, so you're safe there.”

And Louis can hear the silent “anymore” in that sentence and isn't sure if he should feel guilty or not, but a little part of him does. Another little part of him feels disappointed.

Harry shakes his head, getting back to his original train of thought.

“He's moving to London. Next week, actually.”

And that's not quite what Louis had expected, but it's certainly better than some of the possibilities that had been floating around in his head.

“For what?”

“Got a gig at Radio 1. He's going to be a proper DJ at a proper London radio station.”

Louis also doesn't expect the swell of pride he feels in that moment and he doesn't know if he even deserves to feel it, but he does. He tries to hide his smile as he nods, looking back down at his notes.

“Good lad,” he says softly.

And he ignores the part where he and Nick will be sharing the same city again because London's a big place and it won't make any difference. It's not like they'll run into each other at the grocery store or anything.

It won't be different at all.

 

**(22)**

 

May

It's been a rough final term, but Louis and Harry have finally graduated. They go to the pub to celebrate and Louis' so relieved to be done that he just keeps throwing back shots until he feels like he's flying, weightless. When Harry leaves at 1:00, he makes Louis promise to call if he needs anything, but the kid is visibly exhausted and says he needs to sleep for a few weeks. Louis happily kisses him on the cheek, telling him to be good and get to bed before he orders another beer.

“Last one, though, okay? I need you to get home in one piece,” Harry says, kissing the back of Louis' head and Louis agrees because it's Harry.

 

He has just about enough brainpower left to flag down a taxi, swaying on the curb like an idiot. As soon as he folds himself into the back seat, he rambles off his address and lays flat across the seat, eyes closed. He knows he shouldn't fall asleep but his flat is 20 minutes away and, fuck it, the driver can wake him when they get there.

The song playing through the speakers above his head is slow and kind of dreary, he thinks. He's tempted to ask the driver what the hell kind of radio station this is when the song ends and the DJ is talking, saying there's only one song left before he's done for the night and Louis knows that voice, knows it inside out. He sits up so quickly that the driver asks if he's going to be sick.

And Louis remembers the conversation he and Harry had, remembers the radio station, and he looks to the taxi driver's eyes reflecting in the rearview mirror.

"Do you know where the Radio 1 station is?" he asks, eyes wide.

"Wha? The who?"

"Hold on, pull over."

"Alright but metre's runnin'," he grumps back, pulling up to the curb.

Louis focuses hard on typing as he searches for the address on his phone and it takes a few minutes but he finds it and relays the new destination to the driver.

He doesn't actually question why he suddenly needs to see Nick, has no idea what the point of all of this is, but he twists his hands together anxiously, hoping Nick doesn't leave the building right away when the show's finished because it's done now, the clock turned 2:00, and Louis' still across town.

When he finally arrives 15 minutes later, he shoves some bills into the driver's meaty hands and hops out of the taxi, feeling a bit more sober, but his head is still spinning as he approaches the marked building. Or maybe it just started spinning.

He hurries through the door and there's a receptionist there, a girl with black hair and a nose piercing, staring at her phone. She doesn't even look up until Louis speaks.

"Is Nick Grimshaw here?"

"Sorry," she says, glancing up for a moment. "No one's allowed in without a pass."

"But he's my-"

And he stops because he doesn't know how to finish that sentence. Friend? Ex-boyfriend? What are they now, after all this time? Are they anything?  


The girl is looking now, squinting up at him.

"What's your name then?"

"Louis. Louis Tomlinson."

And her eyes light up with recognition which is not at all what Louis was expecting.

"You're Louis, eh? Well sorry, love, you just missed him." She's still looking, appraising now, and she gives a small smirk. "Cuter than I thought you'd be. Too cute for Grimmy anyway. Want me to tell him you stopped by?"

Louis shakes his head and quickly backs out of the building. He finds a comfy looking bit of curb and sits, dropping his head into his hands.

How long has it been? A year? How does this girl know who he is? The drunkenness seems to be creeping back into his veins and he momentarily considers laying down on the pavement but no amount of drunkenness will actually convince him to do that.

He sits there for a while, trying to clear his mind when he hears footsteps approaching and assumes it's a policeman coming to shoo him on his way.

"I was convinced Kate was pulling some sort of prank when she said you were here."

And Louis almost doesn't want to look up because that voice is overwhelming right now and those shoes are ridiculous and why are those pants so tight? But his eyes keep drifting up until they reach the face he's been seeing behind his eyes every day, maybe even every hour or every minute, for months now. Or maybe years. Or maybe forever.

"Your hair is very tall," Louis says and, as he says it, he realizes that, yeah, he's definitely drunk.

"Is it?" Nick asks and it's not an actual question and doesn't require an actual answer but Louis nods anyway if only to give him something to focus on.

Nick offers his hand to Louis and he stares at it for a good five seconds before taking it and pulling himself up, trying not to sway because he suddenly feels like an idiot for showing up here pissed. No amount of effort keeps him steady, though, and he leans a bit too far to his left before he's held up by Nick's hands pressed firmly against his waist. It's a familiar touch, something Louis remembers well, something he now realizes he's been needing for months.

“Who's Kate?”

Nick smiles and loosens his grip on Louis' waist, but the touch is still there, like Nick is worried that Louis will fall over when he takes it away. And he may be right about that.

“She's an intern. The receptionist you just met?”

“You were an intern once.”

Louis' frustrated because his vision isn't exactly crystal clear and he wants to see every detail of Nick's face in high fucking definition, but all he can focus on are the dark brown eyes looking directly into him.

“I was.”

“You were my boyfriend once.”

Nick hesitates for a moment and swallows.

“I was.”

And maybe there are cars driving by and maybe there are people yelling obnoxiously to their friends across the street less than a block away. Maybe there are streetlights above them and maybe there's a broken bottle on the pavement next to them, but none of it exists to Louis in that moment because Nick's fingers are against his jaw and his eyes are still really dark brown.

“You loved me once,” he whispers and it's the tequila's fault, really.

“Not just once,” Nick responds, and his eyes look a little sad now but Louis can't trust his own vision well enough to rely on that.

“How many times then?”

“Can't count that high. Never was any good at maths.”

And Louis doesn't know what that means, what any of this means, but the backs Nick's fingers are grazing against his cheek and Louis wants to kiss him more than fucking anything. But then Nick takes a step back, dropping his hand and he takes a sobering breath.

“Come on, let me take you home.”

Louis tries not to let his bitter disappointment show but he thinks it probably does.

Nick walks them to his car around the corner and he keeps a hand on Louis' lower back and that's enough, he guesses. It's enough to keep him sane, that small touch.

When they reach Nick's car, he loads Louis into the passenger seat, gently closing the door before jogging around to the drivers's side and dropping into the seat.

The car is nice, Louis notes, as he leans back against the leather seat. Nick is fancy in London with his nice car and his leather seats and his shoes and his pants. And his tall hair, which really is ridiculous, but Louis wants to shove his fingers into it _so badly_.

"Why does that girl know who I am?"

Louis watches Nick as he puts the car in drive and pulls away from the curb.

"We've been friends since I moved here."

And he says it like that answers the question, like the matter is ended, but Louis pushes further.

"You talked about me?"

Nick glances at him quickly with a little disbelieving smile, like it's a silly question.

"Still do sometimes."

At that Louis lets it drop, settling back into his seat with a small smile. He thinks about Nick talking about him, what he possibly could have said. He hopes it's not the bad stuff, the painful stuff.

“She called you Grimmy.”

“A lot of people call me Grimmy,” Nick says matter-of-factly as he pulls up to a stoplight.

"It's cute. Should I start calling you that?"

"No," Nick replies immediately and Louis' taken aback by how firm his answer is. "No, I'm Nick to you. Always."

Their eyes meet and Nick's face is glowing red from the light above them and then the glow changes to green and Nick turns back to the road.

"Yeah. You are."

For the remainder of the drive, they're silent, soft music barely creeping through the speakers, so light Louis thinks he might be imagining it, thinks it might be in his head.

When Nick pulls into the carpark next to he and Harry's building, he switches off the engine and Louis wonders if that means he's coming in. And he wonders if that means he'll kiss him and wonders if that means he'll let Louis touch him.

But before Louis can continue with that train of thought, Nick's hopping out of the car and coming around to Louis' side, opening the door. They walk in silence to Louis' door and Nick's hand is on his lower back again and Louis wants to press him up against the wall but he doesn't think he has enough coordination for that just now.

At the door, they stop and Louis has no idea what to do so he waits to see what Nick will do. But Nick's just standing there, looking.

"You can make it the rest of the way, yeah?"

"You're not coming in?" It tumbles out of his mouth before he can stop it and now he's coming off as a desperate and needy drunk and this whole thing was possibly a very bad idea.

"I can't."

"Oh," Louis says, dropping his gaze.

And it's the first time he realizes it, that maybe Nick can't because maybe he promised someone else something that Louis never asked him to promise.

"Oh, Harry said you didn't do boyfriends so I just assumed you weren't... fuck, sorry."

Louis starts fishing around in his pocket for his keys because he's mortified now and he just wants to get inside. Nick is leaning in and he's touching his arm to get Louis' attention, but Louis just turns to the door, wishing his fingers would cooperate in his plan for a hasty escape. And then Nick's behind Louis, leaning down to speak into his ear.

"I don't have a boyfriend, Louis. It's not that."

Louis hesitates and he really should flee but curiosity keeps him in his place.

"Then why?"

Nick sighs and his mouth is hovering over Louis' ear so Louis can feel his breath and it sends a buzzing feeling through his veins.

"If I come in, I'll kiss you and I don't think I'll be able to stop kissing you."

Louis turns to see darkness in Nick's eyes and he wants to drown in that darkness, wants to suffocate on it.

"Kiss me," he whispers, his eyes pleading.

Nick looks at him for a minute, just looks, and Louis gets lost in the darkness, feels it wrap around his neck like a noose and then Nick leans in, but his lips fall to Louis' cheek. It's just a second before he's pulling away, taking a step back.

“Drink some water before you go to sleep, alright?”

And then he's turned, walking away and Louis is so frustrated he could scream. So he sort of does.

“That's not what I meant!” he yells after him, but Nick just shakes his head as he keeps walking and Louis' fairly sure he's smiling.

 

It's not until the next morning that he realizes that he never told Nick where he lives, never gave him directions, and he and Harry moved at the beginning of the school year.

“Harry?” Louis says, a while after going through the whole story, telling Harry everything that happened the night before. “How does Nick know where we live?”

“Oh, uh...” Harry shifts on the couch nervously and Louis is already prepared to hit him. “Yeah, he might have come by a few times. You know, while you were in class and stuff.”

“Harry fucking Styles, you absolute arse,” Louis says through gritted teeth because Nick's been in his flat. He's been there and maybe seen Louis' stuff laying around or sat right where Louis' sitting now.

And maybe it's the hangover, but Louis really doesn't think it's fair that Harry can still spend time with him and Louis doesn't get to anymore. He always knew Harry still saw him, even if he didn't talk about it, but knowing that Nick purposely only came by while Louis was gone sends an awful, sour feeling to his stomach.

 

June

_can we talk maybe?_

Louis stares at the new text as he waits in line to buy his peanut butter, crisps, and beer, wondering what the hell prompted it. It's been two weeks since they saw each other that night and they haven't spoken at all since. He answers quickly, though, thumbs racing across the screen to type.

_of course.. when/where?_

As Louis reaches the cashier, he puts his basket on the counter and hands his credit card over, too distracted by his phone going off again to bother with pleasantries.

_do you have plans tonight? i could come to yours? maybe 8?_

_no plans, come on over_

With that, Louis shoves his phone into his pocket, taking his credit card back from the surly cashier and hurries out of the store, thinking about how much cleaning he'll have to do in his flat. Apparently Nick's seen it many times, Louis thinks bitterly, but he still wants it to be presentable for the first time he's over as Louis' guest. Guest? Whatever. He's coming to see Louis instead of Harry anyway.

Harry has plans for the evening, but he's not gone yet by the time Nick arrives. He opens the door and greets Nick with a warm hug before he grabs his keys off the coffee table. Meanwhile, Nick's eyes have found Louis' and they lock for a few seconds before Harry says goodbye and leaves.

“Hey,” Nick says, taking a few steps forward into the space.

“Hey,” Louis smiles, his cheeks a little red because the last time they saw each other Louis was an obnoxious drunk mess and he's still a little humiliated. “Want anything to drink?”

“No thanks,” Nick answers, still looking at Louis and it's all starting to feel familiar again, the awkwardness seeping out of the room second by second.

Louis sits on the couch, tucking his legs up under him and points at the other end. Nick understands and sits down, facing Louis, one leg bent in front of him, the other hanging over the edge.

“Sorry about that night,” Louis says, cringing. “I was a bit out of it.”

“No, really?” Nick says sarcastically, smiling brightly, and Louis laughs because, yeah, he's right to take the piss out of him.

“Shut up, you twat,” he says through his laughter and, god, he's missed this. He's missed the teasing and the laughter and he's missed Nick's eyes on him and the sound of Nick's voice. He's just really fucking missed it.

“Sorry, but it's true, you were pissed.” Nick's laughter dies, fading into a fond smile. “You were really cute, though.”

Louis doesn't respond to that comment because his face says it all, really. Instead he pulls his knees up , hugging them to his chest and lets the words ring in his ears for a moment before he speaks again.

“So what did you want to talk about?”

Nick stares at his hands for a minute and doesn't lift his gaze as he starts talking.

“I didn't want you to think I wouldn't kiss you that night because I didn't want to.” He finally looks up to meet Louis' eyes and squints a bit, thinking. “And I didn't want you to think I haven't called you over the past year because I didn't want to or that I told you to see other people because I didn't want all of you anymore.”

Louis tilts his head, waiting to see what Nick plans to say, but he hesitates, so Louis encourages him along because now he's curious.

“Yeah? Why then?”

Nick lets out a frustrated huff, his fingers pushing into his ridiculously tall hair.

“Because, fuck, you're still so young and you're smart and beautiful and you have possibilities, you know? When we started dating it wasn't because you picked me, it was because I was there and you were a horny teenager and I offered. And it's my fault because I kept coming and kept offering and didn't think about the fact that I was blocking your chance at someone else, someone better. I took your attention because I needed it so fucking bad and you gave it to me but that doesn't mean you chose me. I want you to choose to be with someone who's good for you, you know? I don't want you to fall back on me because you're comfortable with me.”

Louis stares, taking this all in and he turns the information over and inside out in his mind. He flips it around and tries to see it from all angles because it's sort of – really, actually – fucking stupid.

“Nick. I might be more understanding of that reasoning if I was still 17, but I'm not. I'm an adult. A university graduate, apparently. I've dated other guys and had sex with other guys-”

Nicks cringes and he tries to hide it, but Louis sees it anyway. And he feels bad saying it, but Nick needs to know, needs to understand this. So instead of backtracking, he reaches out and takes Nick's hand in a comforting grip.

“I've been with other people and I've experienced a little chunk of life away from you and I've made my choice every day, you know? And it's always you and that's a little intimidating and sometimes I wish we hadn't met so young, but it doesn't really matter. It'd be you either way.”

Nick's fingers are moving against his now and Louis remembers this feeling, Nick's fingers wrapping around his own. Nick opens his mouth to speak a few times, but the words don't come out until several seconds have passed.

“But you're just a dumb kid, you know? Can't trust you to make the right choice.”

And he smirks, squeezing Louis' hand and Louis glares, narrowing his eyes.

"I'm not a kid."

"Sure you are. You were then, you are now," Nick says, eyes glittering.

And Louis' always been sort of aware of the impressive span of time the two of them have shared, but it hits him in this moment. That he _was_ just a kid when he met Nick, despite what he believed at the time, and now he's a proper adult and Nick's a proper adult and not just some apathetic teenager who gives him a hard time. He can see the trails of how they got to this moment and where they've connected and where they've split off from each other and now they're here, two grown men facing each other and everything's changed. Except nothing really has.

"We're not kids," he says softly and Nick's not smirking anymore because he gets it. 

"We're not."

A moment passes as they sit there, fingers laced together, and take in the gravity of it before they both exhale, letting the nostalgia fall away and remembering where they are now. And then Nick's other hand is on Louis' knee, fingernails scratching softly into the denim.

“Are you sure? Sure it's me?” Nick asks, his eyes softened.

Louis lifts his fingers to push into Nick's tall hair and he smiles because it's the same again. They've both changed so much over the past few years, but when it's just the two of them, they're the same as they were when they started this whole thing and it fills Louis with a familiar warmth that puts him at ease.

“I was then, I am now,” he says, pushing himself up onto his knees to lean in. “Now kiss me.”

Nick's eyes sparkle and there's no darkness in them to suffocate on in this moment, there's just light. He lifts his hands to Louis' neck and nudges his nose against Louis', smiling. Then he quickly leans in and places a kiss on Louis' cheek and pulls back, raising his eyebrows. Louis tries to set his face into a scowl, but he's smiling too much to be successful, so he pokes Nick in the side instead.

“Arse,” he mutters, closing the distance himself, pushing his lips into Nick's.

And as soon as they meet, Louis can feel everything, every inch of himself, like he's been walking around numb for a year and didn't even realize it. It's amazing, this feeling, and he holds onto it with both hands, not wanting it to get away again.

He pushes Nick back against the couch and hovers over him, not letting go of his lips because he has a year of kisses to make up for and he can't waste a second. But he does pull out of it eventually because he thinks he remembers how beautiful Nick looks with kissed-pink lips and he needs to see if he's remembering it correctly.

And when he looks, he realizes he wasn't remembering it correctly at all because no one could keep a copy of this image in their mind and have it resemble the real thing. It's the kind of beauty cameras can't accurately capture.

“Missed you,” Nick says and Louis is stuck, wordless, because Nick is touching him, wrapped around him, and he's a little dumbstruck by the whole thing. “Missed every part of you. Missed you every day.”

And Louis just nods and kisses him again because, yeah, every part. Every fucking day.

 

July

“Guys, _honestly_ , I've let it slide for a month because blah blah, a year wasted, can't get enough, all that. But could you possibly detach from each other's lips for five bloody minutes?”

Harry's standing at the entry to the living room, three beers in his hands, glaring at the sight in front of him. In the two minutes it had taken Harry to clear away the empty bottles and grab full ones, Louis and Nick had managed to sprawl out across the couch, limbs tangled together as they snogged lazily.

“Yes, mum,” Nick sighs, sitting up and pulling Louis up with him.

Nick grabs two beers from Harry's hand while Louis adjusts his shirt where Nick's hands had pushed it up before he takes one of the bottles from Nick.

“Bloody teenagers,” Harry mutters under his breath.

And Louis smiles because it really is sort of ridiculous that it's been a month and it's been six years and it's been 11 years, too, and they still can't ever seem to get enough. They can never look long enough, can never touch enough, can never kiss enough.

And that's why Louis' starting to think that maybe forever does exist, that maybe it was just hiding behind these past few years, waiting to be discovered. He hopes so, anyway, because he's pretty sure that he needs an infinite amount of looks and touches and kisses to ever be satisfied.

“Oh, shut up, Harry. You said yourself you're glad we finally got our acts together.” Nick smiles and tips back his beer and Louis can't help but creep a hand onto his thigh, taking a sip of his own beer.

“Only because you were both so bloody miserable and annoying.”

He can only scowl for a moment before he's smiling. Louis stands up and drags Harry over to the couch, pushing him down and crawling into his lap. He and Nick simultaneously surround him in a crushing hug and Harry's laughing beneath them.

“You know we love you, too,” Louis says, pinching his cheek. “Just in a very different way.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Harry says, the smile on his face betraying him. “Sure you do.”

Nick kisses the top of Harry's head before disentangling himself from the group hug, heading off to the bathroom, leaving Louis and Harry wrapped around each other. They stay there for a few moments, not moving before Louis speaks.

“Thank you,” he says quietly, holding onto Harry's neck tightly. “For everything you've done for me, really.”

“Don't be stupid,” Harry replies seriously, squeezing Louis' waist.

When Nick comes back and sits next to them on the couch, Harry pushes Louis over onto Nick's lap, complaining about his legs going numb. And Louis happily wraps his arms around Nick's neck and plants a quick kiss at the corner of his mouth, smiling to himself as Nick pulls him close and Harry smirks next to them. And he thinks to himself that his life is going pretty well right now.

Because Harry's still first, always first, but Nick sure does make a hell of a second.


End file.
